In his influential book, “Difficult Conversations“, Douglas Stone brings to light a powerful insight:

“When we think others have bad intentions toward us, it affects our behaviour. And, in turn, how we behave affects how they treat us. Before we know it, our assumption that they have bad intentions towards us comes true.”

This quote beautifully encapsulates a dynamic we often experience but rarely stop to consider. Our perceptions and assumptions can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, especially when we’re dealing with challenging conversations or conflict.

By assuming that someone has negative intentions, we may unwittingly act in ways that bring out the worst in them, confirming our initial fears. This cycle, once started, can be incredibly difficult to break.

So, how can we stop assuming bad intentions? Let’s explore how this cycle unfolds, why it matters, and actionable ways to disrupt it to build healthier and more productive communication.

 The Impact of Assumed Bad Intentions

Assuming bad intentions can trigger a cascade of reactions:

Shifting Mindsets: When we believe someone intends to harm us or undermine our goals, our mindset shifts defensively. This can influence our tone, our body language, and our choice of words.

Escalating Conflict: A defensive or aggressive tone of voice in the response from us is likely to provoke a similar reaction from the other person. As tensions rise, communication becomes increasingly difficult, and the conversation can spiral into an unproductive argument.

Creating Self-Fulfilling Prophecies: Stone points out that when we assume bad intentions, we start a cycle that can make those assumptions a reality. By acting as though the other person is aggressive towards us, we often provoke reactions that align with our fears. This makes it easier to believe that our assumptions were correct, reinforcing the negative cycle.

At its core, this process comes down to our interpretation of someone else’s intentions, often coloured by past experiences, biases, and emotions. 

Why Assumptions Stick: The Role of Confirmation Bias

The concept of confirmation bias, explored by thinkers like Daniel Kahneman, suggests that we tend to seek, interpret, and remember information that confirms our existing beliefs.

When we assume someone has bad intentions, we may unconsciously seek out cues that support that view while overlooking anything that contradicts it. This bias reinforces our assumptions, making it even harder to break the cycle. It’s not really any different to diagnostic confirmation bias.

In addition, when conversations become difficult, the amygdala in our brain — responsible for processing emotions like fear — can take over, often triggering a “fight or flight” response.

This reaction can cloud our judgement and make it harder to approach situations with an open mind.

Breaking the Cycle

So, how can we stop assuming bad intentions and break free from this counterproductive cycle? Here are some strategies you can try:

1. Pause and Reflect

Before jumping to conclusions, take a moment to pause and reflect:

   – Ask yourself, “What is causing me to think negatively about this person?”

   – Consider other possible interpretations. What else could be influencing their behaviour or your beliefs?

By pausing and exploring alternative explanations, you create space to question your assumptions and approach the conversation with a more open mind.

2. Engage in Attentive Listening

Attentive listening, as taught by communication experts like Oscar Trimboli, involves fully focusing on the speaker and acknowledging their perspective. Instead of planning your response, try to understand their point of view.

   – Complex reflections of their statements to show that you’re listening.

   – Ask clarifying questions to gather more context. Use ‘what’ and ‘how’ questions and avoid ‘why’ questions to reduce defensiveness.

Attentive listening can reveal intentions you might not have considered and can help you respond more thoughtfully.

3. Challenge Your Internal Narratives

Consider the “ladder of inference” — a model that illustrates how we move from observing behaviour to making judgements. We often climb this ladder quickly, jumping from what we see to conclusions about intentions. To break the cycle, pause on each rung of the ladder:

   – Describe what you observed without interpreting it.

   – Reflect on the meaning you’re assigning and consider if it’s the only possibility.

This process, encouraged by thought leaders like Marilee Adams in her work on “Change Your Questions, Change Your Life”, helps us catch ourselves before making unfounded assumptions.

4. Assume Positive Intentions

While it may feel counterintuitive, adopting a mindset of assuming positive intentions can significantly shift the dynamics of difficult conversations.

   – Try giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Assume they mean well, even if their behaviour appears questionable.

   – Express curiosity about their perspective. Ask them to explain their thought process behind the choice that they made.

Approaching situations with curiosity and assuming positive intentions can prevent defensiveness and open doors for understanding. Adam Grant, known for his work on “Give and Take”, often discusses how assuming the best of others can foster trust and create more productive interactions.

5. Use “It” Labels

When you assume bad intentions, it’s easy to lapse into accusatory language.

Instead, try framing your next comment with “It” labels, which focus on your interpretation of the situation. Invite the other person to correct you if you’re wrong.

   – “It seems like you’re concerned about the impact of this treatment recommendation.”

   – “It sounds like you’re overwhelmed and had enough.”

This approach can reduce defensiveness and encourage collaboration, focusing on how they feel and what you both need instead of pointing fingers.

Practical Exercise: Perspective Taking

To practice the skill of avoiding assumptions, try this simple exercise:

   – Think of a recent difficult conversation where you assumed the other person had bad intentions.

   – List three alternative explanations for their behaviour that do not involve negative intentions.

   – Reflect on how your response might have differed had you considered these other possibilities.

This exercise helps you to question your default assumptions and prepares you to enter future conversations with a more open and understanding perspective.

Final Thoughts

Assuming bad intentions can be a powerful obstacle to effective communication, trapping us in a cycle of misunderstanding and conflict.

By adopting a mindset of curiosity, pausing to reflect, and listening with full attention, we can break free from this cycle and approach difficult conversations with more empathy and open-mindedness.

The next time you find yourself assuming bad intentions, remember that how you choose to respond can change the outcome. With practice, you can transform difficult conversations into opportunities for growth, understanding, and collaboration.

Breaking this cycle isn’t easy, but it’s a worthwhile pursuit. How might shifting your assumptions change the way you communicate with others?

As this journey towards more open-minded communication takes practice, each step can help you build stronger, more meaningful connections. What will you do differently in your next conversation?

In the end, the quality of our interactions often comes down to a simple choice:

Do you assume the worst and create a self-fulfilling prophecy of negativity, or do you approach others with openness and good faith, paving the way for understanding and cooperation? 

The power to shape the outcome lies within us, in the assumptions we choose to make and the actions we take based on those assumptions.

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